Tuesday, 25 October 2016

Two visitors

There will come a time when I don't get any visitors at all. That's a bridge I have to cross at some point. Will it be harder than what I've had to put up with so far? I just don't know. It won't be pleasant, that much I DO know. Mandy came today. So did my mum. I just wasn't in the mood for visits though. Maybe it was a bad dream or something I couldn't get out of my head.


Either way I felt sad and alone. I felt depressed. I was ready to end it all right then. What do I have to do to get a better following than 14? So many posts it had taken me to get there. So much of me had gone into that blog that I thought about giving it up Like I'd given the books up after reading them. I'm not sure how many I've read, but it was quite a few.

I'll probably feel different by tomorrow. I always do. I just need something else to focus on. Something which doesn't stress me out so much.

.i've put my heart and soul into blogging. Probably too much. There must be a limit. I've blogged before, but to a lesser extent. I've never really got caught up in it before. I've always been an obsessive compulsive disorder type of guy (c.d.o. If you want their correct alphabetical order): it's something that has always plagued me. I have to sit on my hands if someone had spelt something wrong.

I wish I wasn't like that.





Monday, 24 October 2016

The wheelchair

One important addition to my life is my electric wheelchair. It makes everything so much easier. I can now go where I want and, more importantly, I don't need any help in getting there. They don't let anyone drive away with one. They make sure you pass a competency test first.

You learn more when you get out and about. Obstacles make you a better driver. Living at Kingly House you expect several obstacles to look out for. When you're out and about there are lots of things to look for. If you're not an expert driver when you go out, you WILL be by the time you get back.

There are lots of things that will make you think what the fuck am I doing this for? Just stick with it and you'll be okay. The chair needs to be constantly charged up, but you'll get the hang of it in no time.

When you travel out people will annoy you, but they'll be quite helpful too. They will often get in the way so you have to be careful with them.

There's always the hooter you can use to let people know you're there, but if you understand how to use the machine you'll know how to use it.

The wheelchair will give you hours of enjoyable use. That's what it says in the instruction manual if you can be bothered to read it.


Saturday, 22 October 2016

The reason why I've not had any sweets for four years

I don't really get to drink anything these days . The thinness of the alcohol would mean it goes straight into my lungs instead of my stomach. It's the same with any unthickend drink such as tea, coffee or pop. ANY unthickened drink is a potential hazard. My carer is under strict instruction not to let me have any. Not that I would anyway. Asphyxiation is a slow and painful death which I avoid at all costs. So, I've not had a pint in nearly four years. It's something I've learned to live with and has meant a complete overhaul of my lifestyle.

Because of the difficulties I have in swallowing I have to watch what I eat as well as drink. Out go the crisps. Out go the hard boiled sweets in case I choke on them (in fact, out go sweets altogether). The dentist might marvel at how good my teeth are, but I've not had any sweets for four years so it's no wonder is it?

It hasn't gone down very well with me, but I'm never given any choice in the matter so.is it easy to give all of this up? No, it isn't. When you consider how drastically my life has changed, it's a big upset. Try living my life for a week and then realise that I've done it for four years. It's no surpise people have said I'm an inspiration. I certainly don't feel like one. An inspiration is somebody who does something because he or she WANTS to, not because he has to.

It's changed my lifestyle - that's for sure. To think, I have to keep it up till I die doesn't bear thinking about. I wish it wasn't me. The way I see it is that people have had to put up with worse than me, so why complain about it?


I had my flu jab this morning

I was taken for my flu jab this morning. It was literally straight in and straight out, no messing. The journey I've been on the last four years has been amazing. It hasn't been for the faint-hearted, but it's been a journey where I've learnt something about myself and, more importantly, how much I can endure.

In four years I've learnt a lot. I've battled with loneliness and stayed awake countless times just wishing it was a dream. I've lived with pain and humiliation too. Leicester Royal Infirmary and clock-watching for entertainment were the lowest points. As if being stared at as if I was some kind of freak can be surpassed.

As Frank Sinatra once said, I did it My Fucking Way. Ok, maybe he didn't quite say it like that, but he would have done if I was writing the words.

Whether I'm one of the 'lucky ones' for surviving a stroke remains to be seen. It certainly doesn't feel very lucky at the moment, but that could change. You don't know.

The pain has changed for me. My legs are definitely more painful than they have been. You can't really know what it's like unless you feel it.

One thing's for sure. It won't get any better than it is.


Friday, 21 October 2016

Don't worry about us Occupational Therapists, we're only disabled

Thank you Occupational Therapists! Just take what you fucking like and don't mind us. We're only disabled. No-one takes any notice of us.

If you have plans for the Red Room just go ahead, get the builders in. We don't matter, but you're Occupational Therapists. Everything revolves around you,

They've taken the Red Room, which we always used to use, and made it their own private little den without telling us. Now we're denied access to it. Even the builders who came ruined our lunch with the noise they made. But it doesn't matter because we're only disabled.

The builders made the dining room smaller which we still object to. We're crammed into a tight space, some next to a boiling hot radiator. But why does it matter? They are only disabled and they don't care. Except they DO care. They care very much.


Thursday, 20 October 2016

When the circus came to town

I don't know why I feel so tired today, but I do. Last night I got Sarah to write something today which she has done. I was just getting into it when it ended. I read a post which left me thinking we were under siege by Zombies. Or even worse. Hillary Clinton was President of the United States. Bad dream? You're telling me!

My mum came and I wondered what the last four years were about. Does she not realise I can't talk properly anymore? I wish I could. So many things have changed for me, but I'm not the same person I used to be. I wish I was. So when she asks me if I've got anything to tell her, I wish she'd understand my condition and see that I struggle with the simplest of words.

I'm ok when I get on the iPad or am sending a text message by 'phone. My brain is still active, but forget anything else. My dad rarely stops more than ten minutes, which is great for me. Any visit which is drawn out is wasting their time. And mine.

Jonny's 25th birthday is in November so I got him a personalised birthday card from moonpig.com. I haven't seen him in a month or so and that's down to me. I can only do so much for him and want him to be more independent.

I woke up really early this morning due to the pain in my legs. I wonder how long it will be before they give up on me for good. Physiotherapy doesn't seem to work on them and there's been a steady decline in them over the years. I mean what can happen next?

This wasn't meant to be a blog that was so depressing, but the simple fact is I'm like an old wreck of a car. Do you take it to be scrapped or do you get another year out of it? Only time will tell. So much will change in the next year or so.

America will have a new President. I can't stand the waiting. Neither would be a candidate over here, but this isn't America. He's a declared bankrupt in Atlantic City with a strange taste in women. She's a lesbian and crooked as hell. God bless America. Don't you just love it when the circus comes to town? Of course they're all respectable over here. As if.




Wednesday, 19 October 2016

America's next President is Tony Blair (only joking)

Well, according to the tv over here, America has the worst presidential candidates ever. Some people would prefer it if neither Clinton or Trump won. I can't say that I blame them. Neither one seems to stand out as electable to me. We get the same in this country. With Labour or Conservative. But surprises DO happen just when you least expect them to.

Britain voting to leave the EU was a shock. They very rarely happen, but when they do it feels like the System been given a kick in the goolies. It feels lovely when it happens because the world has been turned upside down and the underdogs are the winners.

In 1987 I remember voting for Tony Blair (I wish I hadn't have bothered now) because it seeemed like the right thing to do at the time. I was just fed up with the way British politics was dominated by the Conservatives.

In America I'd just hate it if they chose the wrong candidate. It would be four years wasted. The US might have the biggest economy in the world, but they sure as hell have the biggest debt too. It runs into trillions of £ and is getting bigger all the time. How the Americans could do with a great leader to get them out of this mess.

And don't suggest Tony Blair for the job or I may split my sides with uncontrollable laughter at the thought of it.